Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i already hear my dad disowning me
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
