I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
