I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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