i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
