Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
