It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
