Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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