angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
