Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
