I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
