Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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