mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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