birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
