He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I don't deserve a penis
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
