My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You pole danced in your parka.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
