I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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