So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize