I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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