oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize
