The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
