If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize