While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
