Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize