i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
