I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
