What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
