First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
