So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
