My room smells like vodka and shame
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
