You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
