I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
