So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize