I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
