just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
