I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
