And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
