I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
