Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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