I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
