Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
