hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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