I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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