new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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