I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
