I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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