I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
