Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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