Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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