I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize