I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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