I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
