Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize