You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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