Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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