just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
