i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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