Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
