Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
she woke up with a sticky ear
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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