I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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