I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm like, not good at living.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
