I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
