Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
