You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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