There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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