my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
