I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
