My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
