Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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