I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
