Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize